The NFL’s official Press Conference Transcript: Jet’s Patriot Game Touchback Call

Thank you all for joining, the NFL would like to make an official statement on the ruling made during the Jet – Patriot game this Sunday. We wanted to officially clarify the rule to illuminate why we made the right call based on the interpretation of the rule book. I will explain the process of our determination while playing the video in the background. I will also highlight the key points in the rule book text, in order to fully emphasize the definitions.

First, I am going to ask you all to close your eyes and not watch the video. I will describe the play to you, so you can experience the play through an unbiased medium. As we all know, your eyes can be deceiving and we do not want to needlessly confuse you with irrelevant visual stimuli. As you will soon understand, once I bombard you with sheer volume of words, the point of the NFL will become more apparent and your previous perceptions will diminish. We have spent numerous hours with some of the leading experts in the field of “Veritatem revelat”. Scholars among you will recongnjze that is Latin, the language of scientists, and it translates to revealing the truth. We would like to thank our good friends over in the White House and at CNN for collaborating in a rare moment of bi-partisanship in order to show us these revaltory methods of fact presentation. As the old saying goes “If you can’t trust the government and the media, than who can you trust?” Now, on to the presentation.

Now as you can clearly hear, the Jet receiver gains possession on the ball by catching, here, and makes a football move by advancing several yards to the end zone. So far, so good: clear catch and possession. Here is the part where things get tricky. While dragging several Patriot defenders to the the end zone, the ball is briefly knocked out of his hands; WHAM! before being regathered by the Jet receiver as he barrels into the pylon. I will reitaterate: the ball comes loose, possession is regained, the Jet player goes into the pylon and then lands out of bounds. The lynchpin to the play being overturned in replay review happens at this point. This you can see clearly, in your mind’s eye that is wholly and fully capturing the scene that I am describing to you. Right here is where the ball comes loose again. The ball moves when he lands out of bounds!

Now, now, don’t you peak! By attempting to spy and inappropriately view footage of the Jets with camera equipment is… what was that Mr Goodell? Oh, stick to the topic? Yes, sorry. The point of the matter is that according to the version of events i am detailing to you there was confirmation that the right call was made.

You may all open your eyes now. Please turn to page 12, section 3.2.a. for the description of the rule. No, right after the section that says all players who talk to Brady too roughly shall be voided their rights to all future employment in the NFL. Look, it’s right before the part that says to call penalties on the Patriots during garbage time or randomly during the first quarter in order to fudge the numbers so it looks like we call the games evenly. Nevermind, everyone close their books.

We appreciate everyone allowing us to present the facts of the case and want to thank our exemplary official crew who were dedicated to finding the truth through facts. They appropriately have taken the image of “Lady Justice” as their logo. A funny side note: They had requested an emblem of the “three blind mice”, due to their extraordinary cardiovascular endurance (of course). Apparently, the NHL officiating crews who review the Pittsburgh Penguin games had already acquired the trademark for it. Ironic, considering that NHL refs skate, not run! I mean, the lyrics clearly say “see how they run!” Ha! Ahem. In any case, we are just happy to see another example of the NFL justice system quashing another controversy. Let’s Go Patriots! Wait, uh, I mean. Oh, shit, Press conference over!

*Meanwhile at NFL headquarters*

Memo from the desk of Roger Goodell.

“In light of recent developments, in an effort to prevent all hazards from affecting the truth, we will no longer present the facts through visual or audio mediums. Instead we will present the facts in a taste test format. We will put the right call flavor in one cup and wrong call flavor in the other. We are excited to unveil this new method of truth syrup to the world.”



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