Pot Smoke and Coke Mirrors

I think the Cowboys are a fraud and they will lose in the second round of the playoffs. Let’s start off with the positives for the Cowboys. Dak Prescott is the real deal and will be a great QB for years to come.  He will eventually lead the Cowboys to the Super Bowl and probably win it but not this year. Ezekiel Elliott is an incredible running back but to be honest, Darren McFadden could have had this type of year behind that offensive line. Running Backs are like Prostitutes, the younger and fresher they are, the more production. The older and more used they get they tend to produce less for half the price. Just ask Oral Annie or Backdoor Betty how they feel after 10 years servicing dock workers in Hunts Point.  Who doesn’t love Jason Witten? He is the one Cowboy that everyone likes and is definitely Canton bound.  There are two factors that will beat the Cowboys, the rushing defense and Dez Bryant. Every game I have watched this year featuring the Cowboys, I have seen RBs tear through them like Hunts Point hookers. If you run the ball against this defense 40 times, you will have a victory.  I am holding my best for last…Dez Bryant.

That tweet above sums up Dez Bryant. He is an asshole. I must give him some credit though…he has been in the league 6 more years than I thought he would be. The guy only create separation by facemasks and shivs. I have seen naked people running an obstacle course with flippers on that are faster than him (Japanese TV Show). He gets away with 4-5 offensive pass interference calls a game. If I were the defensive coordinator, I would tell my defense to cat call him on every play. This dude is as stable as Trump so he would probably implode by the 2nd play and the Cowboys wouldn’t take him out because their owner is Jerry Jones who probably dresses up as Leonardo DiCaprio’s character in Django Unchained every Saturday night. To sum it up, run on the Cowboys 40+ times and tell Dez that you got the Red Light Special with his mom or have a court order show up for the outstanding loans he owes.

My Playoff Picks for the Week (I drew 1 away 1 home and 7 home and 6 away for my playoff boxes.Therefore the scores below will predict me running away with all the games.)

Oakland vs Houston

Insomnia would be cured if this game were to played on repeat. In fact, all train operators should be banned from watching this game or train wrecks would quadruple. I will watch it just to see how much better Conner Cook is than Christian Hackenberg whom my Jets chose over in the 2nd round. The only way this game could be more boring is if Ben Carson were announcing it.  Raiders win this 21-11.

Detroit Vs Seattle

Does anybody seriously like Russell Wilson? I mean he is a good player and fun to watch but personally I think Ben Carson has a better personality. His favorite position during sex is missionary and foreplay for him is heavy petting. I really think the Lions win this one. Matt Stafford has had a great year and I heard he is starring in Lego Movie 2. Lions win 27-16.

Miami Vs Pittsburgh

I really don’t like the Steelers. I have seen so many horrible tattoos on Steeler fans.  I have been to weddings that have had a Steeler Theme. As a Jets fan…it is tough to take Joe Namath. The guy was really a terrible QB who had a few good seasons but not Hall of Fame worthy but I would take 30 Joe Namaths over Terry Bradshaw. How is this idiot still on the air? I have heard more intelligent things out Lena Dunham.   Steelers win this one 16-7.

New York Vs Green Bay

The eventual NFC representative for the Super Bowl will be the winner of this game. The deciding factor will be Odell Beckham Jr (see Dez Bryant).  We all know what Aaron Rodgers will be doing 10 years from now. He will be helping Mel Gibson fight against Master Blaster and Tina Turner down in Australia after the Trumpocalypse. If you millennials have no idea what I talking about, torrent Mad Max Beyond Thunderdome from your parent’s wifi or whatever Starbucks where you are working on a Facebook post on how Mindy is a great TV show or tweeting about how living at your parents is similar to the Holocaust. The Giants win this one 36-27.

-Tim

 

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