It’s the classic post-apocalyptic conundrum: what do you do if you’re the last man on earth?
Last Man on Earth, brain-child of Will Forte and the Lego Movie guys, is super silly and wonderful television. In it, Phil Miller (played by Forte) is… the last man on earth. After searching for others and resigning himself to being the only human left, Phil does some awesome things like bowl using fish tanks as pins, play racquetball inside of a beautiful foyer with a bajillion balls, and set loads of stuff on fire. He’s a flawed character, but endearing enough for us to want him to make it. He eventually meets Carol (Kristen Schaal) and then Melissa (January Jones). While he’s no longer the last person on earth, this last man on earth gives plenty to laugh about.
Instead of harping on the merits of the show, which I will say I think is excellent, I’m going to put myself in Phil Miller’s skin and think honestly about what I might go through believing I was the last living being on the planet.
First things first: let’s get all of the obvious scenarios out of the way. There’d be a lot of crying. Not because I’m a woman or “emotional,” I’m sure Phil Miller shed his fair share of tears. But just imagine: I’d have no family, friends, or felines. That’s a lot to grieve. I’d likely also be hairy because why not, “big-boned” because all those snacks and only one me, and afraid of literally everything. What else could account for the creak on the stairs in the middle of the night or a random door slamming except that 6 billion+ souls resent me for being the only survivor of an insane virus?
After looting all of my favorite expensive stores, hoarding beautiful jewelry, squatting in nice homes, finally experimenting with wearing makeup, and learning how to drive, this is what I would not do either because I’m incapable or just don’t care (you decide):
Figure out what happened, build new things, travel outside of the continental United States or alone after dark, eat anything that had to be refrigerated, repopulate the earth if I found a living man (this would mean our babies would have to have babies with each other and that’s gross), or exist.
Yes, I’ve just wasted all of our time because I would not exist. If I was the last person on earth, I’d die. It would be awful, I’d go insane, I still wouldn’t feel comfortable naked, and I just wouldn’t be able to do it. Instead, I’ll watch Will Forte give it a go each week on Last Man on Earth on Fox.